May 31st, 2009

Shark Tale



MORBO DOES NOT KNOW WHERE TO EVEN BEGIN! GOOD NIGHT! F.

May 30th, 2009

Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo


Did not see movie in theaters, still demand compensation. F.

May 29th, 2009

Deuce Bigalow Male Gigalo


Stupid movie with stupid people and stupid gigolo. Stupid stupid. D-.

May 28th, 2009

The Pillow Book


Different. Hypnotic. Not for the faint of heart. Ewan McGregor nude scene. B+.

May 27th, 2009

Short Circuit 2


Johnny 5 is still alive, damnit! Not as good, for sure. C+.

May 26th, 2009

Short Circuit


Johnny 5 is alive, damnit! Touching, funny, generally good. B+.

May 25th, 2009

NOTE: This is a reprint of the January 10th, 2009 Review.

It is my brother Chas’ favorite movie. Today is his birthday.

He seriously loved this movie back in the day. Happy Birthday, Chas!

Surf Ninjas (Israel, 1993)


It has surfing, ninjas, Rob Schenider. You honestly need more? B-.

May 24th, 2009

Top Gun


Ridiculously homoerotic. Wonder if ever rode highway to danger zone… B+.

May 23rd, 2009

Old School


Popular and well-liked movie has occasional laugh. Lowest common denominator. B-.

ALTERNATIVE:

For the record, I’m a Will Ferrell fan. Not here. B-.

May 22nd, 2009

House of Wax


Would pay just to watch Paris Hilton death scene loop. C.

May 21st, 2009

Hostel


Gross and excessive. Torture Porn. Not bad, just reprehensible. Eww. B-.

May 20th, 2009

Garfield the Movie


Internet has done better job mocking Garfield than I could. F.

ALTERNATIVE:
More like “Awful: The Movie!” Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. F.

May 19th, 2009

Touch of Evil


Gets half a grade off for Charlton Heston’s bad Mexican accent. A-.

May 18th, 2009

The Pink Panther


Starring Steve Martin’s terrible French Accent! Impossibly bland. Hamburger! D.

May 17th, 2009

Three Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain


The nadir of SO many careers it is difficult to contemplate. F.

May 16th, 2009

Three Ninjas Knuckle Up


Three Ninjas go West, help Indians, stop evil polluters. Almost... C-.

May 15th, 2009

Three Ninjas Kick Back


Three Ninjas go to Japan. Antics ensue. Slow slide down... B-.

May 14th, 2009

3 Ninjas


Three kid ninjas fight criminals. Thought that would take more. B.

ALTERNATE:

As one of three part-Asian brothers, movie resonated for some reason.

May 13th, 2009

A Series of Unfortunate Events


Somewhat lacking Nickelodeon adaptation of children’s book. Part of trend. B-.

May 12th, 2009

Monsters vs. Aliens


All star vocal cast, great idea, unfortunate lack of warmth. B.

May 11th, 2009

Problem Child


I pity every single person involved in this unpalatable movie. D.

May 10th, 2009

Earth Girls are Easy


Has its moments. They aren't often. But they're definitely there. C+.

May 9th, 2009

The Great Mouse Detective


Probably the root of my immense admiration for Vincent Price. A-.

May 8th, 2009

Loser (Heckerling)


Jason Biggs, Mena Suvari, Greg Kineear. [Insert Has-been Joke.] C+.

May 7th, 2009

The Prince of Egypt


Story was missing more Martin Short and Steve Martin! [/sarcasm] D.

May 6th, 2009

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie


Potentially bizarre adaptation falls tragically short. Some funny cameos however. B-/C+.

May 5th, 2009

The Little Rascals


I was, and apparently continue to be, Alfalfa. Pretty cute. B.

May 4th, 2009

Dudley Do-Right


“Hey, let’s make George of The Jungle again!” Oy. Vey. F.

May 3rd, 2009

Transformers: The Movie


Planet-sized Orson Welles now plays planet-sized transformer. Hey Nostalgia! B-.

May 2nd, 2009

Jesus Christ Superstar


Like many musical adaptations, a tad lacking, but still good. B.

May 1st, 2009

JFK (Stone, 199X)


Back and to the left. Back and to the left… B+.