Tuesday, September 30, 2008

September 30th, 2008

Seed of Chucky (Mancini, 2004)

Everyone makes fun of themselves, plus awesome Ed Wood reference. B-.

Monday, September 29, 2008

September 29th 2008

Mystery Men (Usher, 1999)

All-star cast delivers mediocre film with tacked-on ending. C+.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

September 28th 2008

The Incredible Hulk (Letterer, 2008)

Awesome first 15 minutes, rest passable. Sad walking away music. B.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

September 27th 2008

Juno (Reitman, 2007)


Friday, September 26, 2008

September 26th 2008

The Little Mermaid (Clements and Musker, 1988)

Girl gives up voice for legs to chase after man. B.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

September 25th 2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Spielberg, 2008)

Bad beginning, decent middle, bad ending. Forget all pleasant memories. B-.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

September 24th 2008

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey (Hewitt, 1991)

Where high culture and low culture meet and explode. Hilarious. B.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

September 23rd 2008

X-Men: The Last Stand (Ratner, 2007)

Bret Ratner somehow ruins two film’s worth of good will. D-

Monday, September 22, 2008

September 22nd 2008

Fifth Element (Besson, 1997)

Only four words are really necessary: Jean Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg. B.

September 21st 2008

Godzilla (Emmerich, 1998)

Compelling argument against Hollywood movies, especially remakes. Quite bad. C-.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

September 20th 2008

A Very Brady Sequel (Sanford, 1996)

A parody of a parody wrapped up in some kitsch. C+.

Friday, September 19, 2008

September 19th 2008

The Dark Knight (Nolan, 2008)

All I remember: Heath Ledger being awesome for two hours. A.

September 18th, 2008

A Scanner Darkly (Linklater, 2006)

Robert Downey Jr. essentially spends 15 years researching the part. B+.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

September 17th 2008

300 (Snyder, 2006)

You get exactly what’s expected, no more, no less. Madness? B-.

September 16th 2008

Succubus: Hell-Bent (Bass, 2007) [direct-to-DVD]

Worthwhile only for amazing two minute Gary Busey cameo. D.

September 15th 2008

Citizen Kane (Welles, 1941)

Not since days of Kublai Khan has a movie so rocked. A+.

September 14th 2008

Norbit (Robbins, 2007)

If accidentally watched, induce vomiting immediately; inducing likely not necessary. F-.

Poster apparently a meta-commentary about filmmakers and their awful movie. F-.

September 13th 2008

Step Brothers (McKay, 2008)

Either you like Ferrell and Reilly, or you don’t. Me? B+.
Very sorry missed updates. Computer broken. Up to date updates forthcoming.

Friday, September 12, 2008

September 12th 2008

Big Trouble in Little China (Carpenter, 1986)

Jack Burton feels a little bit like an outsider here. B.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

September 11th 2008

Lost in Space (Hopkins, 1998)

Not as bad as I remembered. Gary Oldman is awesome. B-.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

September 10th 2008

WALL-E (Stanton, 2008)

Pixar satirizes consumer culture in Disney film; irony meter explodes. A-.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

September 9th, 2008

Beethoven (Levant, 1992)

Dog slobbers on everything, annoys patriarch, hilarity supposedly ensues. C.

Monday, September 8, 2008

September 8th 2008

Death Becomes Her (Zemeckis, 1992)

Bruce Willis should know better than to trust white women. B.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

September 7th, 2008

Tropic Thunder (Stiller, 2008)

Downey Jr. steals Stiller’s Thunder, others get out of way. B-.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

September 6th 2008

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas! (Levant, 2000)

Spoke too soon when I said “Yabba Yabba Don’t” before. F.

Friday, September 5, 2008

September 5th, 2008

Flintstones (Levant,1994)

Yabba Dabba Don’t. Sorry that’s just three words. But seriously. C-.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

September 4th, 2008

The Ruling Class (Medak, 1972)


Peter O’Toole thinks he’s Jesus/Jack the Ripper. Hilarity ensues. A.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

September 3rd, 2008

Disturbia (Caruso, 2007)

I liked it better when it was called Rear Window. D.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

September 2nd, 2008

Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Dante, 1990)


"I recommend you invest in canned food and shotguns."  B.

Monday, September 1, 2008

September 1st, 2008

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (Kidron, 1995)

Miss John Leguizamo really knows how to work it, girl. B-.

11 Word Movie Reviews

Welcome to 11 Word Movie Reviews. Nowadays, we barely have time to watch movies, let alone read movie reviews to see if the aforementioned films are any good. That’s where I come in, grading films (both classic and contemporary) on a grade scale, and within 10 hopefully pithy words.

Here’s my grading scale.
A: A superior piece of filmmaking overall. Excellent script and production, close to technically flawless. A pictures are the ones you list when discussing movies that are your favorites. Accommodates some errors or problems, but generally a cut above the norm.
Examples: Citizen Kane (Welles, 1941); Breathless (Godard, 1955); Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (Burton, 2007)
B: Better than average, B movies (which are to be distinguished from “B pictures” of a double bill,) are fun, likeable, and showcase some craftsmanship in production. Usually have more technical difficulties or other problems that keep them from being A level. These are movies I can like, but are not so amazing I would rave about them to my friends the next day.
Examples: Across the Universe (Taymor, 2006; which although I dislike I am prone to respect technically); Big Trouble in Little China (Carpenter, 1988)
C: Average. Run of the mill. Overall forgettable. Usually they do nothing wrong, but they also don’t do anything right either. The vast majority of films are C pictures.
Examples: You, Me, and Dupree (Russo & Russo, 2006); Get Over It (O’Haver, 2001,)
D: D movies make you cringe in your seat and not because of subject matter. They are bad, but not unwatchable.
Examples: Ghost Rider (Johnson, 2007); Ultraviolet (Wimmer, 2006)
F: I can think of no legitimate reason to recommend this movie. I very rarely give out F’s.
Example: Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (Miller, 2003); Norbit (Robbins, 2007)